Saturday, January 31, 2009

120 Minutes

I've seasoned passed 120 minutes. It takes up 5 hours of my TiVo, but in my defense, when I'm high and want to dance, I need to fast forward thru The Proclaimers.

Attention Los Angeles Recluses

I have a sure fire way to get you out of your house:

#1 Get up before 10AM
#2 Take a shower before 3PM
#3 Put on a shirt
#4 Put on pants
#5 Put on shoes (you can't be sidetracked with underwear or socks)
#5 Go outside and watch the sun set.

You did it!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Jump Rope Competition

I had a secret jump rope competition with a guy at the gym. He started jump roping near where I was jump roping. He won for consistency and stamina, I won for pure jump rope power and speed.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Rocket Science vs. Juno

Who would win in a fight to the quirk?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Wife Swap

If I were on Wife Swap, one of the things I would demand of my new family is that we constantly watch "Wife Swap".

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Homeless Hookup

There are two well known people with some social problems I'd like to set up. They both live in Beverly Hills and I think they're perfect for each other. To be perfectly honest, I don't think that lack of money or social skills should preclude two people from seeking love.

Here's what I would say to each of them about the other to get them to have dinner together:

Hey Jermyn, I know you're busy roller skate dancing in front of an antiques store to old school rock on your boom box, but I want to tell you about someone. She's a blonde, about your age, and is in great shape. She loves to yell in a foreign language at cars stopped at red lights. She also loves to ask strangers about their ethnicity in the CVS pharmacy on Bevelry Dr. I call her "The Lady in Red" cause she's always wearing tight red excersice leotards. She loves to dance while listening to her walkman.

Hey Lady in Red, I'd like to stop pretending to take pictures of you while you pose to tell you about a guy you may be interested in. His name is Jermyn, and I'd be surprised if you haven't heard of him. He's a pretty popular Robertson Blvd. rollerskating dancer. He's in great shape, and I read that he gets a whopping 5% of the tee shirt line Kitson is selling with his image on it. I'm not sure if that's the fairest price, but according to an interview, he does not involve himself with matters of money. And he likes to dance, like you. It's pretty perfect if you ask me.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Rape Deterrents

Due to my constant consumption of Law and Order:Special Victim Unit, I am constantly afraid of being raped. I don't wear dresses downtown (access is too easy) and I never wear heels to a place I can't valet (in case I need to run). If I'm ever caught by a rapist, here are some things I thought I could say to get me out of that pickle.

-- I have an unrealistic sense of strength. Although I probably won’t be able to overpower you, you will suffer from extreme bruising from my gangly kicking.

-- Although my vagina tastes sweet like a honeysuckle (not a deterrent, but the truth), inside it bears a new rape deterrent. It’s essentially a female condom with spikes in it. I wear it every day because quite frankly I don’t know how to get it out.

-- Dude, not cool.

-- (say in an Italian accent) Why you do this to your mother? (this would trick them into momentarily thinking they are raping their mother)

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Save Darfur

There's a guy at the gym who wears a red, sleeveless shirt that reads "Save Darfur". But if you were to approach this man and talk passionately about Darfur, he would probably get angry at you for cock blocking him. You see, the shirt is a trick - this guy is trying to get laid. That's how you do it at my liberal, gay gym - you wear a political cut off tee to your spin class then get yourself a hand job in the steam room.

However, if you approach the short, 50 year old lady who wears platform sneakers and wears sweatpants that read "Porn Star" on the arse, you would be right in thinking she is a porn star.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Babies like to stare

Angrily yell this at a mother whose young baby is staring at you in an adorable way:

"Your baby is fucking flirting with me! "

(and then let me know what happens)

Law and Order: The Video Game

Why does Law and Order have a video Game? Dick Wolf is out of control! It's not even good, it's like an afterthought of a revenue stream. It's a video game for adults who are not into video games, so I can't imagine it's causing fights at Game Stop. It's so slow. Open this locker, oh there's a sock in it, better put it in your evidence bag,then push the B button for a wise crack like "Too bad this guy got socked in the face" or something else terrible.

Yeah, I played the demo for an hour.

Which is appropriate since that's the running time for Law and Order.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Good Housekeeping Models

Good Housekeeping, in an attempt to validate itself as a ladies magazine, does seasonal fashion spreads. But here's the thing, you'd think their models would look like your average military husband's wife or like a math teacher or a local TV anchor in a small city, but they're actually really good looking. Which makes me feel bad for them cause you have to assume that other models don't approve. If there were such a thing as a model convention, and the Good Housekeeping model was saying to a Vogue model "Yeah I just did a spread in the November 07 Good Housekeeping for JC Penny's women's business separates" you know that the Vogue model would just start laughing. Then she'd text her Vogue model friends "OMG this model works for GH" (cause models talk in text shorthand) and then all the Vogue models would be laughing and pointing at the Good Housekeeping model and she'd wonder where all her Good Housekeeping friends were, not realizing they all had the good sense to stay home for this very reason.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

"Just E Nuff" the Restaurant

I'm going to open a restaurant called "Just E Nuff". We'll X-ray your stomach and calculate exaclty how much food will make you full. Then we'll bring out just that amount. If you're like me, you'll be happy there's a place like this around, serving up a guilt free portion of food. The only downside to the restaurant is that the entrees are like $500 because of the all the technology involved.

Baby Carriage

I wrote a joke that I am ashamed of. I'm ashamed of it cause it's really cunty and makes me laugh.

Q: What's sadder than a homeless woman pushing a baby carriage full of garbage?

A: An infertile one.

Redneck Liberal

Once upon a time I was into joke songs. So much so that I started to write one. I thought, "You know what's funny about me? I'm from the South but I am also a liberal. That's pretty hilarious, right?". You can figure out where this fucking gem of a tune is going even as it peters out and dies toward the end. Oh and, it doesn't even rhyme. You're welcome.

Redneck Liberal
By Erin Gibson (in the past)

I put flow masters and a three inch lift on my hybrid
Yeah I could transform a suburban to run on vegetable oil but that don't make as big of a statement

I think fags should be able marry other fags and whores should be able to terminate their pregnancies

Put my Chimay in a bud light can, I cause I like what Bud stands for but I sure the hell don't want to drink it.

I euthanize my crawdaddies before I boil 'em cause coookin' something alive ain't very Buddhist.

You'll know it's my Vote for Obama bumper sticker I put on your Hummer cause they're Stubbs BBQ sauce all over it.

If you put on Hank Williams Junior while watching Inconvenient Truth some fucked up shit happens.

(then just some other dichotomies I dreamed up that would fit perfectly in this song)

Riding a horse while drinking wheatgrass

Mediating while at a wet t-shirt contest

Bringing my prize winning bovine to therapy

Skipping school to shoot .45's and when it's not my turn I just sit back and pick up good ol' Spalding Grey's "Monster in a Box"

Monday, January 19, 2009

Charles Dickens' guide to naming your dog

Dicken's stories are chalk full of wonderful dog names. I've made an easy to use guide should you wish to bestow your new friend with a charming, creative moniker.

Rouncewell - A dog who jump/runs in a poetic way, but also still kind of like a sprightly fat man.

Pipchin - A jaunty dog that is a canine representation of a 1930's newspaper boy. Most likely owned by a gay man. Or two.

Sowerberry - A dog with a depressing demeanor and no will to live because of it's unfortunate body proportions.

Perch - A dog so convinced he/she is human sits upright in chairs and eats at the dinner table. These dogs also speak English.

Tozer - The king douchebag of dogs. If you have this dog, you should know it only rides in Porches and won't lick his own ass.

Nipper - This dog fucking loves gags. She/He will pee on your things for laughs, tear things up for laughs, vomit on things for laughs. A Nipper is basically a member of the dog ETA.
(also looks like Bruce Vilanch)
From Gibblertron Blog Photos

Skettles - A snobby dog with an empty soul.

Snawley - A dog whose existence puts into question everything you thought you knew about this world. This dog also sheds assloads of hair which only sticks to eveningwear.

Snagsby - Is my favorite Dicken's dog name. You can't take it or I will reverse find you from the analytics on this site and steal your dog. If the dog does not look like a Snagsby, you'd better run from me. Fast too. I take spin class and my cardio vascular capacity is super human.

In case you're wondering, this is an example of the perfect Snagsby. Snagsby's must have three characteristics to be a Snagsby:


Sunday, January 18, 2009

First Video of 009

I have decided as one of my New Year's Resolutions to drop the '2' from '2009'and refer to this year as 'double o nine'. Way better, right?

009 ('double o nine) got me thinking about when I was young(er). About how despite all the odds, being white, living in a suburb in a conservative Southern city, I have a deep place in my heart for rap.

First Time Blogger, Long Time Gibblertron

Welcome to my new site! This is a replacement site for my very brown, very boring Let me say a little something about 2009. First of all, Obama. Secondly, I am pledging to put more stuff on this site than is possible to consume. Sure some of it will be cheating, like putting a post up of a Jezebel story, but some of it will be worked on, edited, finessed and perfected for optimal Internet enjoyment. If I fail though, don't hold it against me.