Saturday, October 24, 2009


In Chicago I was a personal assistant for a woman who was crazy. I don't know what her job was or if she even had one and she always paid me in cash. When I entered her house, I had to ring a Tingshas and say "Namaste" even if she wasn't in the room. Part of my job, besides watching her try on Tibetan prayer robes and tell her how young they made her look, was to remove all the labels from her products. Sometimes they would come off quickly, sometimes it would take a long time to soak them off and scrub off the glue with Goo Gone (people who value spiritual centeredness love Goo Gone). Apparently, in the past few weeks, my unconscious mind has been taking the labels off my lotions, face creams and deodorants. It’s just a matter of time until I need someone to come over and tell me how young I look in crappy, baggy pants. I think I just proved that this state of mind is not a personality defect, but rather a full on neurological disease. That may be contagious and take a long time to show symptoms.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Pumpkin's! Fall's Gift (Funny or Die Blog #5)

Pumpkins are an underrated vegetable. Are they vegetables? I could look that up but quiet frankly, I am having problems looking things up on the Internet. Not because of my connection, no, no, that's fine. I just, well, every time I try to connect to the Internet it reminds me, for some reason, of that year I was held in a stranger's basement when I was twelve. The way that I aged by the time I was rescued by the authorities you would have thought three years went by! It would of taken me three years to get used to the way Carl talked to me and treated me, and I don't even know if that would have been enough. Point being, Carl had a computer in the house, and when he started letting me upstairs I would try to contact authorities but the connection was so slow and my windows of alone time so short that it just turned into a stressful situation. More stressful than being kept in a basement by a stranger if you can believe that. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Pumpkins. Wait, I think I'm sad. Yeah. I'm sad. I'm so detached from my emotions that I have to identify them out loud before i can have them. I better get unsad so I can get crackin' on this pumpkin fudge!!!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

New Haircut (Funny or Die Blog #4)

I just got a new hair cut! Yes, I spent a little more than I wanted, but $100 is exactly what I would pay for for this perfect coif. I mean, I look like a million dollars so I kind of feel like i got away with highway robbery! Which is ironic because I got my hair done today because I am making a special visit to my sister at the Polk County Women's Prison. God Bless her, poor things been locked up in there for a crime which I believe her to be innocent of. She's in for murder, and I know she is innocent because while she was supposedly chocking an 8 year old girl to death, she and I were engaging in a violent round of fist-a-cuffs over who drank the last of the orange Gatorade. Cut to her murder trial where an eye witness id's her, and my facts, as they are coming from the mouth of her sister, look like a last ditch effort to save her from jail. So it's not really my fault, but I visit her every week anyways. Despite the fact that we never really got along in the first place and she's never happy to see me. Next time, I think I'll get hilights.