Cellular Phone Service Provider?(Funny or Die Blog Post #3)

My contract with T-Mobile is up next month and I'm excited by the idea that I could get an iPhone. I've been using a Blackberry Curve for the past two years and it's served all of my needs, but there's something sexy about that iPhone! It's sleek and has lot of cool downloads. The only issue is that I've heard texting is not that easy, and I text a lot with my boyfriend. Gosh, I wonder if should be calling him that on a public forum! You see, he's married. Not the kind of married guy who is seperated. No, he and his wife live together. It's not an ideal situation, but I cope because he's pretty fantastic. What usually happens is he texts me something like "Wanna get tore up?" and I text back "Sure", then he comes over and we have a real romantic time. Often times he spends the night, which I also really enjoy. I guess he gets away with it because he's a suffers from alcohol induced amnesia or "blackouts", and his wife is pretty used to him not coming home at times. Which is a bonus for me! Not the part where he throws up in my bed and sometimes gets angry and kicks my Schnauzer, Toby Macguire , but all the other parts of him are bonus! One day I hope to meet his mom. She seems really nice. She lets "Steve" and his wife live with her even though her home is just a small two bedroom apartment. She was even nice enough to let them kick her out of the master bedroom and she set up shop in the cozy spare room. "Steve" says I should go with AT&T and "get the fucking iPhone and shut up about it already", but I'd like to do a little more comparison shopping.Any thoughts?

Tile Installation? (Funny or Die Blog #2)

I have linoleum in my kitchen and I just came into some money, so I was thinking about putting in some tile. I honestly don't know where to start. Should I hire a contractor from a tile store or should I hire someone from Home Depot who obviously needs the job? Those poor day laborers stand out there all day waiting for work with no guarantees. It's really the least I could do. But at the same time I need someone who is skilled at installation to insure a proper job. I spend a lot of time in the kitchen, sometimes cooking but mostly it's what I call my "cry zone". The kitchen is the best place for total meltdowns because it's wide open for when you really need to swing your arms but when you don't to actually break anything, the floor is usually cold, which helps for when I get super hot from crying violently, and the bonus of it all, when you're all done and you think you can finally go to bed or to work or just to the grocery store, the mascara lipstick and tears wipe up really easy with a damp paper towel. One thing's for sure about this renovation, I am definitely leaning towards ceramics or porcelain.

Hooray for Diners (Funny or Die Blog #1)

Diners are an American institution, just like baseball, champagne and cars. I myself will never turn my nose up when a diner is presented as an option for food. You know why? 'Cause diners are full of nostalgia & classic American eating arrangements. They also are famous for delicious pancakes and waffles. You know, my family always went to diners. I mean, we could afford to go to much nicer places but my father had such little respect for my mother that he, knowing he was in the power superior position, due to his earning potential, would make us eat there. We could have been eating steak for breakfast but instead he chose to punish my sister and I along with my mother for her habitual affairs. I can't blame her though, he was distant and she was needy, so to expect her to stay faithful to him was a tall order. Looking past my father's alien good looks, he was a lot to handle with is power issues and his dabbling in S&M (which we only found out about later, when we came home from a three day cheer leading competition in Baton Rouge to find him locked in the hall closet wearing sissy pants and a ball gag). The point being, I think the best diner has to be Waffle House. Best cheese grits that have ever graced my mouth.

Rotten Tomatos Review - BRUNO

You know what, ultimately , not enough gay jokes for me.



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Rotten Tomatos Review -THE PROPOSAL

I love Sandra Bullock. That's it. She could poop on the floor and I would clap.



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Rotten Tomatos Review -THE FINAL DESTINATION

I can't believe they used some of these jokes. Honestly. I am so impressed with RT's risk taking.



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Wolverine opened a day spa!

I'm so excited!

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Rotten Tomatos Review - IMAGINE THAT

This movie was the worst thing I've ever sat through, and I sat in the hospital for 10 hours during my mother's double mastectomy in a hospital with NO INTERNET!



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My burgeoning snarky TV career

Every coupla weeks I do a movie review for Current's Rotten Tomatoes.

The first one I did was for DANCE FLICK. We'll that's not true, the first one I did was for BROTHER'S BLOOM but I did such an awful job they used none of it. Then they gave me a second chance. Boy, they're glad they did. I mean, I'm glad they did.

10 songs I am embarassed/delighted to know the words to

#1 - Damn Yankees "High Enough?"

#2 - Def Leppard Every song on Hysteria

#3 - Skid Row "Big Guns"

#4 - Queensryche "Silent Lucidity"

#5 - Poison "Unskinny Bop"

#6 - Nelson "After the Rain"

#7 - Lita Ford/Ozzy Ozbourne "Close My Eyes Forever"

#8 - Cinderella "Gypsy Road"

#9 - Winger "Headed for a Heartbreak"


#10 - Nelson "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection"

Models are Smart Pt. 1

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