Saturday, February 28, 2009

Kid deterrent

Today when the kid who lives in the back part of the property decided that he and his friend were gonna play spies on our front porch, I deployed the old "adults being weird" situation. I started yelling at Marisa about how it sucks that I went over my text allowance on my phone service. I peppered it with curse words and gregarious arm gestures. Three loud sentences later, no mas ninos.

Cut 'n Paste

I went to amend Jennie CC's (my manager's) contact information and I thought I had copied the correct spelling of her new management company, but when I hit paste, here's what I had copied instead:

Hannah Montana: Best Of Both Worlds Concert

Friday, February 27, 2009


Do not fall for the $5 foot long deal! It is buffet mentality! You will either eat too much or throw away a soggy 3 hour half sandwich later.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

New Character

I'm working on a new character called "Prospector Girlfriend". It's probably one of the best characters ever thought of, which is why I am leaving it as a concept.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Dear Orthodox Jews,

If you're wearing a shitty wig while walking down Beverly Blvd. I'm gonna look. So don't be surprised.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


I wear a robe, which i refer to as a "Snuggie with self respect".

Monday, February 16, 2009

Cheese is not a good smell if there is no cheese

If you walk blindfolded into a room and smelled macaroni and cheese then someone told you there was no macaroni and cheese, you would get grossed out. But, if you walked blindfolded into a room and smelled macaroni and cheese and someone told you there was a hot bowl of it right in front of you, you would get hungry.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Eavesdropping Part 1

"Do you want to meet rich boys on a higher level?"
-- Two girls at Bird's

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Worser than worse

You know what's worse than being hit by a car? Being in a wedding.

Friday, February 13, 2009


Would anyone really care if, to put them out of their own misery and despair, I poisoned the homeless with crackers? I mean would anyone really care? Like enough to pick up the phone and turn me in? I mean really think about what kind of effort it would take to turn me in. Plus sitting at a police station, telling them, then testifying in court. It's a big commitment.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

New Diet Pt. 2

I've come up with another new diet called the "concrete diet". Right after you take a bite out of, let's say a piece of fried chicken, the rest of the chicken turns into concrete. The great thing about this diet is that you still get one bite of something delicious.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Sophisticate

If you're leaving a restaurant but you're not done with your pinot noir, ask for a to go cup. What tastes better than fine wine out of Styrofoam? Nothing.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Texas Musing

If you're ever at a keg party and it's your turn to do a keg stand, and two frat boys lift you above the keg, don't yell "I think religion is a way for people to feel a false sense of safety in an unsafe world."

Monday, February 9, 2009

Road Heckler

If you're ever in Texas and a shirtless guy in an '86 dodge Ram with a four inch lift pulls up beside you at a red light and starts yelling "What's up faggot?" and your windows are down, don't turn up "Louder than Bombs" to drown him out. It won't work.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Pot Brownie (part one of a series)

The good thing about The X Files is you get to see how old cell phones used to look.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Octuplet's Mom

I just watched the Today show interview. She claims that her desire to have these children is due to her own childhood desire to have brothers and sisters and her own dysfunctional family. The same family who is helping her raise her children? Also, did no one notice how much plastic surgery she's had? This lady is doing a great job of expressing her dysfunction any way she can.

Oh yeah, and she wants to get her master's in counseling. Oh no.

Monday, February 2, 2009

New Diet

I'm on a new diet called "Don't eat when you're hungry". I've lost three pounds and the only drawback is a light sensitive migraine at the end of the day. Success!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Scary Kid Bit

Today Chad and I were sitting on my front porch. The kid who lives in the back house came up and started playing swords by himself. He saw us on the porch then ran back to his house in the back of the property. He finally got up enough nerve to just walk up to where we were and stare at Chad. Chad said "Hello", the kid said "Hello", then ran away. Then Chad and I came up with a scary thing to do to him (hypothetically).

Whenever the kid (whose name I am not mentioning in case he knows how to google) comes up to the front yard, Chad will say hello to him. Then the kid will say hello back. Then I will ask the kid who he is talking to. And the kid will say "that man in the chair". Then I'll say "What man in the chair?". Then the kid will run away. If he was a strange neighborhood kid you bet I would have done it. But there are repercussions when you mess with kids who live in the same space as you. Like their mothers coming to yell at you.