Monday, January 26, 2009

Rape Deterrents

Due to my constant consumption of Law and Order:Special Victim Unit, I am constantly afraid of being raped. I don't wear dresses downtown (access is too easy) and I never wear heels to a place I can't valet (in case I need to run). If I'm ever caught by a rapist, here are some things I thought I could say to get me out of that pickle.

-- I have an unrealistic sense of strength. Although I probably won’t be able to overpower you, you will suffer from extreme bruising from my gangly kicking.

-- Although my vagina tastes sweet like a honeysuckle (not a deterrent, but the truth), inside it bears a new rape deterrent. It’s essentially a female condom with spikes in it. I wear it every day because quite frankly I don’t know how to get it out.

-- Dude, not cool.

-- (say in an Italian accent) Why you do this to your mother? (this would trick them into momentarily thinking they are raping their mother)


  1. You are somewhat unattractive. I believe most rapists will ignore you.

  2. The first one, assuming I'm a rapist, which I'm not for the record, would make me laugh so, you'd be safe. The second one sounds slightly erotic for some reason, but my thearpist says I', making progress.
    The third one is also funny, safe again.
    I think the last one would just confuse me and we all know how hard it is to rape someone when you're confused.