120 Minutes

I've seasoned passed 120 minutes. It takes up 5 hours of my TiVo, but in my defense, when I'm high and want to dance, I need to fast forward thru The Proclaimers.

Attention Los Angeles Recluses

I have a sure fire way to get you out of your house:

#1 Get up before 10AM
#2 Take a shower before 3PM
#3 Put on a shirt
#4 Put on pants
#5 Put on shoes (you can't be sidetracked with underwear or socks)
#5 Go outside and watch the sun set.

You did it!

Jump Rope Competition

I had a secret jump rope competition with a guy at the gym. He started jump roping near where I was jump roping. He won for consistency and stamina, I won for pure jump rope power and speed.

Rocket Science vs. Juno

Who would win in a fight to the quirk?

Wife Swap

If I were on Wife Swap, one of the things I would demand of my new family is that we constantly watch "Wife Swap".

Homeless Hookup

There are two well known people with some social problems I'd like to set up. They both live in Beverly Hills and I think they're perfect for each other. To be perfectly honest, I don't think that lack of money or social skills should preclude two people from seeking love.

Here's what I would say to each of them about the other to get them to have dinner together:

Hey Jermyn, I know you're busy roller skate dancing in front of an antiques store to old school rock on your boom box, but I want to tell you about someone. She's a blonde, about your age, and is in great shape. She loves to yell in a foreign language at cars stopped at red lights. She also loves to ask strangers about their ethnicity in the CVS pharmacy on Bevelry Dr. I call her "The Lady in Red" cause she's always wearing tight red excersice leotards. She loves to dance while listening to her walkman.

Hey Lady in Red, I'd like to stop pretending to take pictures of you while you pose to tell you about a guy you may be interested in. His name is Jermyn, and I'd be surprised if you haven't heard of him. He's a pretty popular Robertson Blvd. rollerskating dancer. He's in great shape, and I read that he gets a whopping 5% of the tee shirt line Kitson is selling with his image on it. I'm not sure if that's the fairest price, but according to an interview, he does not involve himself with matters of money. And he likes to dance, like you. It's pretty perfect if you ask me.

Rape Deterrents

Due to my constant consumption of Law and Order:Special Victim Unit, I am constantly afraid of being raped. I don't wear dresses downtown (access is too easy) and I never wear heels to a place I can't valet (in case I need to run). If I'm ever caught by a rapist, here are some things I thought I could say to get me out of that pickle.

-- I have an unrealistic sense of strength. Although I probably won’t be able to overpower you, you will suffer from extreme bruising from my gangly kicking.

-- Although my vagina tastes sweet like a honeysuckle (not a deterrent, but the truth), inside it bears a new rape deterrent. It’s essentially a female condom with spikes in it. I wear it every day because quite frankly I don’t know how to get it out.

-- Dude, not cool.

-- (say in an Italian accent) Why you do this to your mother? (this would trick them into momentarily thinking they are raping their mother)