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Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I hate LA Starbucks
Dear All Employees & Managers of LA Starbucks,
Are things that bad that you feel the need to take it out on my coffee? I don’t get it. All you have to make me a non-fat vanilla decaf latte in a timely manner that doesn’t suck. But you can’t do that! Why? I was in the valley yesterday and I had a coffee from the Starbucks on Ventura that was not only made licketty split but was so delicious I almost spit it out. That’s how much you have ruined me LA Starbucks. Jesus!
I am not a monster. I am not demanding things I think are unreasonable. I am demanding that you drop your ‘tudes and just do your job. And I’m not even saying “do your job” in a way that means you can’t gossip or have breaks. I am all for that shit! Just make the coffee right. You can do that and talk about “The Hills”. It’s possible! I promise you!
I am also not a snob. Wait, that’s not true. Please, please, I can’t buy lattes from McDonald’s.
PS – If anyone reading this knows of a Starbuck’s that makes delicious drinks, please let me know. But I will not drive west of the 405.
Are things that bad that you feel the need to take it out on my coffee? I don’t get it. All you have to make me a non-fat vanilla decaf latte in a timely manner that doesn’t suck. But you can’t do that! Why? I was in the valley yesterday and I had a coffee from the Starbucks on Ventura that was not only made licketty split but was so delicious I almost spit it out. That’s how much you have ruined me LA Starbucks. Jesus!
I am not a monster. I am not demanding things I think are unreasonable. I am demanding that you drop your ‘tudes and just do your job. And I’m not even saying “do your job” in a way that means you can’t gossip or have breaks. I am all for that shit! Just make the coffee right. You can do that and talk about “The Hills”. It’s possible! I promise you!
I am also not a snob. Wait, that’s not true. Please, please, I can’t buy lattes from McDonald’s.
PS – If anyone reading this knows of a Starbuck’s that makes delicious drinks, please let me know. But I will not drive west of the 405.
Monday, June 15, 2009
I love guns
I love guns
To look at me, you’d think “Oh, now there’s a lady who loves puppies and shoes and Bobbi Brown winter travel palettes. “But you’d be wrong, but not about the things I just listed, those things are spot on. Ok, so you wouldn’t be wrong, you’d be almost right, because there’s one thing you’re missing when listing the four adjectives that sum me up completely. I. Love.Guns.
I grew up in Texas. In Texas, it ‘s kind of important that you know about guns so that you don’t get extradited to California, where you can live with the other “gun hating faggots” (Texas’ words, not mine). I held a gun in my hands while I still had braces on my teeth, making me the most bad ass 5 foot 11 inch, braces wearing teen lady who had the bold inclination to wear button down jean shirts with similarly rinsed jeans, and top that motherfucker off with a Mickey Mouse tie.
The first gun I ever held in my hand was a single action revolver. A cowboy from my high school took a liking to me and snuck me off during lunch to his piece of land, aka homestead, aka, property to shoot cans. The gun felt so natural in my hand, as if my palm had been developing in a way that one day would suit it to fit into this gun perfectly. That or that guns were made to fit into hands. Either way, it was love at first grip.
It would be 6 years before I would shoot another gun. This time it was a Jericho 941single action handgun. My boyfriend at the time, ex army, present AFLAC supplementary insurance salesman, had taken me into the woods so that we could consummate our love in nature. And so he could kill dear. While he was out murdering animals, I was loading a clip into a handgun that flooded me with the emotions like what I imagine it would feel like to be reunited with a child I had abandoned, but then found on Friendster, then met at a coffee shop and then kept in contact with.
Guns and I could have been great friends. But then my Hollywood aspirations got in the way. There’s no time in Hollywood to shoot guns. Not only that, I don’t own any guns or have access to the type of guys who own guns, who I could sleep with to get close to their guns. All I want in my life is to feel the soft grip of molded metal, and the power to take a human life, in my hands once again.
And for Scoops Ice Cream shop to be open past 6 on a Sunday. C’mon Scoops, people need their ice cream on a Sunday evening!
To look at me, you’d think “Oh, now there’s a lady who loves puppies and shoes and Bobbi Brown winter travel palettes. “But you’d be wrong, but not about the things I just listed, those things are spot on. Ok, so you wouldn’t be wrong, you’d be almost right, because there’s one thing you’re missing when listing the four adjectives that sum me up completely. I. Love.Guns.
I grew up in Texas. In Texas, it ‘s kind of important that you know about guns so that you don’t get extradited to California, where you can live with the other “gun hating faggots” (Texas’ words, not mine). I held a gun in my hands while I still had braces on my teeth, making me the most bad ass 5 foot 11 inch, braces wearing teen lady who had the bold inclination to wear button down jean shirts with similarly rinsed jeans, and top that motherfucker off with a Mickey Mouse tie.
The first gun I ever held in my hand was a single action revolver. A cowboy from my high school took a liking to me and snuck me off during lunch to his piece of land, aka homestead, aka, property to shoot cans. The gun felt so natural in my hand, as if my palm had been developing in a way that one day would suit it to fit into this gun perfectly. That or that guns were made to fit into hands. Either way, it was love at first grip.
It would be 6 years before I would shoot another gun. This time it was a Jericho 941single action handgun. My boyfriend at the time, ex army, present AFLAC supplementary insurance salesman, had taken me into the woods so that we could consummate our love in nature. And so he could kill dear. While he was out murdering animals, I was loading a clip into a handgun that flooded me with the emotions like what I imagine it would feel like to be reunited with a child I had abandoned, but then found on Friendster, then met at a coffee shop and then kept in contact with.
Guns and I could have been great friends. But then my Hollywood aspirations got in the way. There’s no time in Hollywood to shoot guns. Not only that, I don’t own any guns or have access to the type of guys who own guns, who I could sleep with to get close to their guns. All I want in my life is to feel the soft grip of molded metal, and the power to take a human life, in my hands once again.
And for Scoops Ice Cream shop to be open past 6 on a Sunday. C’mon Scoops, people need their ice cream on a Sunday evening!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Don't forget
Help me to remember to write that sketch where kids in a kids show pop out from between naked guys legs to say their name. The funny thing about this is the idea of kids with dicks on their heads.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Slumdog Millionaire's Slumdogs
Worldwide Gross $355,264,799
+ US DVD Sales $27,622,523
- Production Budget $14,000,000
_______________________________
$368,887332 Net
You can buy a home in India for anywhere from $6,000 to $45,000. Now, that being said, why were the two youngest actors in Slumdog Millionaire homeless after the government demoloshed the slum they were living in? Why were they not paid for the success of the movie? Why were they still living in slums after all the criticism that they were still living in the slums after the Oscars?
The characters in the movie get a fairy tale ending but the actors, they do not.
+ US DVD Sales $27,622,523
- Production Budget $14,000,000
_______________________________
$368,887332 Net
You can buy a home in India for anywhere from $6,000 to $45,000. Now, that being said, why were the two youngest actors in Slumdog Millionaire homeless after the government demoloshed the slum they were living in? Why were they not paid for the success of the movie? Why were they still living in slums after all the criticism that they were still living in the slums after the Oscars?
The characters in the movie get a fairy tale ending but the actors, they do not.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
NYC --> LA Neighborhood Conversion Chart
Moving to NYC from LA or vice versa and need to know what neighborhood is right for you? I've made this handy comparison chart to make your decision easier!
Alphabet City = Echo Park
5th Avenue = Century City
Chelsea = WeHo
Upper East Side = Beverly Hills
Upper West Side = Santa Monica
SoHo = Silverlake
TriBeCa = Hollywood Hills
Greenwich Village = Los Feliz
Broadway = Hollywood
Chinatown = Chinatown
Little Italy = Little Armenia
Greenwich Village = Larchmont Village
Harlem = Compton
Long Island = The Valley
Alphabet City = Echo Park
5th Avenue = Century City
Chelsea = WeHo
Upper East Side = Beverly Hills
Upper West Side = Santa Monica
SoHo = Silverlake
TriBeCa = Hollywood Hills
Greenwich Village = Los Feliz
Broadway = Hollywood
Chinatown = Chinatown
Little Italy = Little Armenia
Greenwich Village = Larchmont Village
Harlem = Compton
Long Island = The Valley
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