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Namaste

In Chicago I was a personal assistant for a woman who was crazy. I don't know what her job was or if she even had one and she always paid me in cash. When I entered her house, I had to ring a Tingshas and say "Namaste" even if she wasn't in the room. Part of my job, besides watching her try on Tibetan prayer robes and tell her how young they made her look, was to remove all the labels from her products. Sometimes they would come off quickly, sometimes it would take a long time to soak them off and scrub off the glue with Goo Gone (people who value spiritual centeredness love Goo Gone). Apparently, in the past few weeks, my unconscious mind has been taking the labels off my lotions, face creams and deodorants. It’s just a matter of time until I need someone to come over and tell me how young I look in crappy, baggy pants. I think I just proved that this state of mind is not a personality defect, but rather a full on neurological disease. That may be contagious and take a long time to show symptoms.

Pumpkin's! Fall's Gift (Funny or Die Blog #5)

Pumpkins are an underrated vegetable. Are they vegetables? I could look that up but quiet frankly, I am having problems looking things up on the Internet. Not because of my connection, no, no, that's fine. I just, well, every time I try to connect to the Internet it reminds me, for some reason, of that year I was held in a stranger's basement when I was twelve. The way that I aged by the time I was rescued by the authorities you would have thought three years went by! It would of taken me three years to get used to the way Carl talked to me and treated me, and I don't even know if that would have been enough. Point being, Carl had a computer in the house, and when he started letting me upstairs I would try to contact authorities but the connection was so slow and my windows of alone time so short that it just turned into a stressful situation. More stressful than being kept in a basement by a stranger if you can believe that. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Pumpkins. Wait, I think I'm sad. Yeah. I'm sad. I'm so detached from my emotions that I have to identify them out loud before i can have them. I better get unsad so I can get crackin' on this pumpkin fudge!!!

New Haircut (Funny or Die Blog #4)

I just got a new hair cut! Yes, I spent a little more than I wanted, but $100 is exactly what I would pay for for this perfect coif. I mean, I look like a million dollars so I kind of feel like i got away with highway robbery! Which is ironic because I got my hair done today because I am making a special visit to my sister at the Polk County Women's Prison. God Bless her, poor things been locked up in there for a crime which I believe her to be innocent of. She's in for murder, and I know she is innocent because while she was supposedly chocking an 8 year old girl to death, she and I were engaging in a violent round of fist-a-cuffs over who drank the last of the orange Gatorade. Cut to her murder trial where an eye witness id's her, and my facts, as they are coming from the mouth of her sister, look like a last ditch effort to save her from jail. So it's not really my fault, but I visit her every week anyways. Despite the fact that we never really got along in the first place and she's never happy to see me. Next time, I think I'll get hilights.

Cellular Phone Service Provider?(Funny or Die Blog Post #3)

My contract with T-Mobile is up next month and I'm excited by the idea that I could get an iPhone. I've been using a Blackberry Curve for the past two years and it's served all of my needs, but there's something sexy about that iPhone! It's sleek and has lot of cool downloads. The only issue is that I've heard texting is not that easy, and I text a lot with my boyfriend. Gosh, I wonder if should be calling him that on a public forum! You see, he's married. Not the kind of married guy who is seperated. No, he and his wife live together. It's not an ideal situation, but I cope because he's pretty fantastic. What usually happens is he texts me something like "Wanna get tore up?" and I text back "Sure", then he comes over and we have a real romantic time. Often times he spends the night, which I also really enjoy. I guess he gets away with it because he's a suffers from alcohol induced amnesia or "blackouts", and his wife is pretty used to him not coming home at times. Which is a bonus for me! Not the part where he throws up in my bed and sometimes gets angry and kicks my Schnauzer, Toby Macguire , but all the other parts of him are bonus! One day I hope to meet his mom. She seems really nice. She lets "Steve" and his wife live with her even though her home is just a small two bedroom apartment. She was even nice enough to let them kick her out of the master bedroom and she set up shop in the cozy spare room. "Steve" says I should go with AT&T and "get the fucking iPhone and shut up about it already", but I'd like to do a little more comparison shopping.Any thoughts?

Tile Installation? (Funny or Die Blog #2)

I have linoleum in my kitchen and I just came into some money, so I was thinking about putting in some tile. I honestly don't know where to start. Should I hire a contractor from a tile store or should I hire someone from Home Depot who obviously needs the job? Those poor day laborers stand out there all day waiting for work with no guarantees. It's really the least I could do. But at the same time I need someone who is skilled at installation to insure a proper job. I spend a lot of time in the kitchen, sometimes cooking but mostly it's what I call my "cry zone". The kitchen is the best place for total meltdowns because it's wide open for when you really need to swing your arms but when you don't to actually break anything, the floor is usually cold, which helps for when I get super hot from crying violently, and the bonus of it all, when you're all done and you think you can finally go to bed or to work or just to the grocery store, the mascara lipstick and tears wipe up really easy with a damp paper towel. One thing's for sure about this renovation, I am definitely leaning towards ceramics or porcelain.

Hooray for Diners (Funny or Die Blog #1)

Diners are an American institution, just like baseball, champagne and cars. I myself will never turn my nose up when a diner is presented as an option for food. You know why? 'Cause diners are full of nostalgia & classic American eating arrangements. They also are famous for delicious pancakes and waffles. You know, my family always went to diners. I mean, we could afford to go to much nicer places but my father had such little respect for my mother that he, knowing he was in the power superior position, due to his earning potential, would make us eat there. We could have been eating steak for breakfast but instead he chose to punish my sister and I along with my mother for her habitual affairs. I can't blame her though, he was distant and she was needy, so to expect her to stay faithful to him was a tall order. Looking past my father's alien good looks, he was a lot to handle with is power issues and his dabbling in S&M (which we only found out about later, when we came home from a three day cheer leading competition in Baton Rouge to find him locked in the hall closet wearing sissy pants and a ball gag). The point being, I think the best diner has to be Waffle House. Best cheese grits that have ever graced my mouth.